I thought Mum and Dad weren't in.

For the readers that aren't aware; I have sex. Shocking, I know. So, this evening I had invited my boyfriend over to undergo the usual couple-like things: watching television; making dinner; performing the old in and out; having tea and biscuits, that sort of thing. As Boyfriend and I participated in the third agendum of the evening, we were making no attempt to muffle our apparent (and I use 'apparent' intending no offence to my other half) pleasure. As the moans grew louder and attempting to maintain the sexual positions became more strenuous we didn't notice the subtle sound of the key turn in the lock, nor the more obvious footsteps in the hall, nor the slamming of the door as my parents tried (in vain) to make us aware of their presence. We didn't notice; we continued.

A few minutes later we heard a loud series of bangs coming from what we thought to be the neighbouring bedroom. If this was so, it would have been my sister trying to encroach on what Borat appropriately refers to as 'sexy time', and we weren't prepared to stop simply to acknowledge her chastity (that potentially can be seen as an advert to any male subscribers).

Forty-five minutes and 2 condoms later we congratulated each other for the good work. As one does post-coitus I had to tell all my Facebook friends about the wonderful intercourse in which I had just been involved and so grabbed my computer. As I lifted my laptop lid I was saluted by this message from my sister:

If you wouldn't mind keeping it down up there with sam, would you? The whole house (including mum and dad) can hear you. We're trying to watch tv.

FUCK, was my initial thought, which ironically got me in trouble in the first place. I informed Boyfriend about said message who simply starred at me in awe. After deleting all the contacts in my mother's phone last week and now de-flowering (pah) Mr Medina's eldest daughter, his position in the family remains questionable. Needless to say, I Facebook-chatted Ruby to ask if what she had informed me of was true. It was.

It's been 2 hours, I haven't left my room, and Boyfriend is looking for an alternative exit, through the window perhaps...