I didn't find the golden ticket... this time.

Chocolate; sweet, succulent, rich, tasty. As I came home from yet another torturous day of school this afternoon I needed a treat, a yummy juxtaposition to the mentally scaring afternoon I had prompting me to find a spiritual high ground (Jewish Studies), and so I did. For fifty pence I picked up a kitkat from the news-asian down the road, which still confuses me, fifty pence for a chocolate bar, the value! Back in the day (the day I don't remember), during the Aztec reign you could buy a slave for 100 cocoa beans. I returned home excited to unwrap the silver alluminium cage which surrounded my precious, yet small feast (and maybe even find a golden ticket) but what-ho? Something was missing. Then it hit me, I don't know why the most obvious of priorities hadn't occured to me, in a way, I was slightly ashamed. Like the great Englishman I am, my kitkat needed a companion and what more appropriate then a cup of steaming tea? I'll tell you, nothing.

Thus began the longest two and a half minutes of my life, boiling the kettle. There is a lot of nonsense I did in these 150 seconds, I informed my sister of the fact that 'the sooner she gets sectioned, the better', I folded some laundry and attempted to lay on the ground next to my cat trying to learn his cunning and mysterious ways but he sprinted lightly out of the room, I know when this happens his ambush has been unsuccessful and I survive another day. Then the little clicker turned off red which indicated my time was up and I had failed to save the world again. I yoke (that's right, yoke). 

Now began the process of making a cup of tea, the recipe may seem simple, but you're wrong. As I've grown  up I've realised the complexity behind the 'average' Twinnings mug.

1. Put tea in mug (no water just yet).

2. Wait 10 seconds after the kettle is boiled, this avoids the scorching bubbles missing the cup or burning your hands, then poor in around 215ml. (Leaving a sufficient amount of room for milk).

3. This part some may find difficult, so perhaps ask or call a friend for help while completing this step. Depending on how you like your tea is relative to how long the teabag remains in the mug. I wait around 53 seconds for my tea, yet my father is more of a 46 second man, you see. The UK average is 1 whole minute. If this amount of time seems daunting to you, perhaps take a nap before undergoing said activity.

4. When you have timed your cup just right (and by right, I mean 'precisely') remove the teabag and pour in a dollop of milk. Yes, a dollop of milk, some of our less experienced colleagues may be bewildered and intimidated by this measurement. I referenced the dictionary, it means 'a lump or blob of some substance', interpret it how you will.

5. Stir the tea and enjoy, after participating in such a strenuous process you deserve it.

Then came the time that I had long (3 mins: 23 seconds) awaited, I picked up my kitkat, unwrapped the little red paper, then the foil and dunked. The moment my first finger of chocolaty goodness graced the mug my mouth began salivating, like a hungry wolf desperate for sweet relief. I freed my stick from this burning cage to find it wet and glistening, slightly melted, and I bit. Then it came to me, a rush, the feeling of indulgence, I had nourished my craving. Did you know, one in seven 15-24 year olds claim life isn't worth living without chocolate. Well, they're idiots, we always have wine. But what if there was not any wine or chocolate, but I will try not to worry my readers with the idea of an alternative dystopian future. Fortunately, 66,000 creme eggs are still being produced per hour. 

There's just something about chocolate, it's an aphrodisiac, I won't claim to know the precise chemical makings behind why we get horny from a dairy milk bar but I will claim to have experienced it. You often here people joking about the question 'chocolate or sex?', is it wrong for me to say 'both', or is that greedy? If it was the case, then I would have to pick chocolate. 

I think I'm preaching, there are tastier foods, but readers, don't forget that the first chocolate was made in Bristol, Engand, 1848, so be happy and patriotic about something so tasty. Sit at home, watch Chocolat or Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and be content in knowing that yet again, the great British people are responsible for another awesome thing. From one Englishman to another, "put the kettle on".