I Have Ceased All Joys In Life

This may be an odd thing to start a blog with, but you should know, I'm a quitter. Recently, I've given up drugs, smoking, alcohol, caffeine and bad meats - All in all, I've given up anything that made life worth living. However, I'll have you know that this was in no shape or form an easy task, mainly because all these things are addictive and I'd rather be attacked by a number of Martian tripods from Mars then be seen going into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

However, I am not alone in my plight against the forces of Satan. My sister too recently 'quit' this whole smoking craze, she however lasted 24 hours, which is pretty impressive, compared to my initial 24 minutes. She arrived home this afternoon from the same institution that I had, the thriving cesspit known as school. She had an informative chemistry class where she was subjected to a bias rant about the inevitable death smoking ensures, and how this professor of hers would rather "bath in a tub full of evian and drink bottled water for the rest of his life" (direct quote) than have one puff of a ciggarette. This seemed a bit extreme to me, starving suffering dying children in Africa need that water. But I simply don't understand; isn't smoking like really cool? For the next ten minutes my sister sat in life-prolonging agony as she simply was 'dying' for a ciggarette. Suddenly, and without and warning, the table next to her spontaneously combusted into a pack of Marlborough Lights. She blinked and tried to snap out of it but her friends still remained tall, lanky and pale, with an edge of weakness about them which left a horrible after taste. As this spectacular hallucination occurred she imagined sparking her lighter and waving it about her head... R.I.P Nicotine.

Today we saw our first bought of true sun. This genuine ball of heat in the sky caused me to become parched and my thirst desperately needed to quenched. Times like these can only call upon one thing... the vodka and orange ice-pop. It's the anti-AA, one becomes miraculously drunk whilst still having quit drinking. Baffling, I know. However, my will power prevailed and I watched 'The Weakest Link' sober. Anne Robinson turned from a sassy middle aged fabulous bitch with a humour to evoke my squeaky laugh to an old crony who seemed to be monotonously quizzing the working class whilst remaining beneath them. So unless you've realised, smoking and drinking are out and afternoon interrogation games are in!

So as 'happy hour' slowly approaches and the hood of darkness tempts debauchery, ever closer, I feel compelled to tell you the quote that keeps me going... "a hangover is the wrath of grapes". So maybe a night-cap will do?