Valentine's day

13.02.11

It's that 'special' time of year again. I was made aware of this when two weeks ago I journeyed to my local ASDA to attain some ingredients for breakfast. I was on aisle 12 perusing the different wines with which to enjoy my first meal of the day. After grabbing a rather fruity Cabernet Sauvignon I headed towards the cashiers but what ho? I was smacked in the face by what initially appeared to be a low-flying red Albatross. This encounter, only predicted by Alfred Hitchcock, prompted me to turn and flee. However, I pulled myself together and decided that this story wouldn't be another case of self inflicted embarrassment. After a second of base human logic I realised I was actually smacked in the face by a huge, imposing heart.

I turned to face the adjacent aisle and there it was, everywhere, contrasts of reds and pinks. Murdered bunnies sat on the shelves marked with arrows through their tummies. A huge blue elephant had been mutilated, some sick bastard had inserted a voice recorder into his trunk, which when tightly squeezed spoke "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you". I had just been fucking rick-rolled by an undersized Loxodanta Africana (Latin for 'Elephant').

...

14.02.11

I asked someone how they'd be spending Valentine's day when I arrived at school this morning. My companion lifted up his right hand and pointed to it, "I'll draw a heart on this then masturbate until it rubs off".
Although his comment was crude and a classic example of the basest teenage humour, he made some sense. A good wank is far cheaper than a table for two at Pizza Express.

Here's an interesting statistic, the major category of people that swap Valentines cards range from 6 - 10 years old. Typical. They literally have no clue! They have no clue that Saint Valentine was a male chauvinist pig who was capitalised upon by men to advance the 'cult of femininity' and secure monogamous relationships, causing safe and sure paternity, meaning male heirs can take over private property. But worry not, because out of it all I got one day to call 'my own' with an added bonus of a lifeless blue elephant that was haunted by the overtly queer soul of Rick Astley!

V-day - where sex is only a box of chocolates away.  Don't forget your entire future depends on how impressive you can be on this single (sense the irony) day. It's also a give-in that you'll love your partner substantially more on this day than all others so be sure to take any shit they throw your way, but don't only take it, take it with a smile because you aren't at all alone in the universe and weeping into a Pot Noodle.