People I'd Like Killed In 2011 and How.

Santa Claus
He's been around for a while as we all know. The useless c**t isn't real. Subsequently, for the last 17 years I haven't received a single My Little Pony (Fairy Sparkle Limited Edition), nor a nose job. His white beard and semi-endearing chuckling simply isn't cute anymore and Rudolph should probably opt to stick him in a nursing home. He'll die in his sleep with ironic music playing in the background like "here comes Santa's slay...". His passing will directly slow the rise of 'chimney fear' causing a number of children to require therapy.

Nick Clegg
The reasons are obvious. The government clearly isn't working, so just stop making everyone's life more mundane and oblique than they already are. Nick Clegg will unfortunately die in a phallic tragedy. He'll slip and fall into David Cameron's ass, amids the flurry and confusion Nick will do only what he knows best and try to lick his way to freedom. Cameron thinking this was some sort of spontaneous sexual act that often occurs between the couple will become over excited and open his arse. The extreme amount of pent up bullshit will unfortunately drown not only Nick Clegg but the entire party, rendering them all useless... because they'll be dead.

Nicole Scherzinger 
This one is tricky. It turns out that she in fact tried to kill me first by putting 'poison' in my ears. She still persists by assassinating me whilst I watch TV or listen to the radio.

Tom Cruise
However vagina numbingly gorgeous he is, it doesn't negate the fact he is an idiot. The 'operating thetan level six' Scientologist will get lazered by the evil galactic ruler, Xenu, angering her because made another shit film which somehow contradicts the idea that the world began 75 million years ago with space aliens hatching from Volcanos. I literally wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire (my vagina would be to numb).

Daniel Radcliffe
Dobby's death scene moved me more than the entire 6 films that came before it. Radcliffe's freakish height deficiency and geeky baby face certainly doesn't make him aesthetically pleasing, and after wasting 20 hours of my life and around £50 of my earnings I've come to the conclusion the sincerest emotion he's ever been able to allow me to evoke has been a mild sense of awkwardness when he grabs Hermoine and I thought they were going to have sex. I left feeling guilty after paying to nearly watch kiddy-porn. He'll be killed after being kidnapped by crazy fans who ask him to perform magic, using the wand his captors give him he bashes his own head in (worth: £70 million).

Paul Dacre
Editor-in-chief of the Daily Mail. I wouldn't use his toilet paper to kill a fly. The little creature deserves a dignified end, the same doesn't apply to Paul. Ironically, he'll die of cancer.

Aslan
- oh wait...

Kate Middleton
That 'middle class' bitch can't stand in the way of true love. If I can't have William, she certainly can't. Perhaps another conspicuous car crash will do the trick.

Joe Gaus
After sleeping with a woman that wasn't myself I want him killed. Not only did he betray every queer in the country, but also our friendship. They'll be a substantial reward, followed by a celebratory tea at mine.