Fright Night

I had just been performing some rather awful debauchery with my boyfriend on an average Sunday afternoon, as one does. When all of a sudden (contrary to previous blogs) my father stormed in through the front door like a bull in a china shop to declare, "Quick, assemble yourselves, your grandmother will be here in 5 minutes".

It went quickly from pleasure to nearly wetting my pants (although a fine line can be drawn between the two). I jumped out of bed and struggled to find my knickers, kicking my cat in the face whilst doing so. Upon reflection, the cat being in my room at this time cannot be healthy for his personal development at all, and since this afternoon I've felt he may have lost a little respect for me. Loss of respect, a concept that's new to me. 

What one is to understand about my Grandmother is that her presence in my household is reminiscent to a visit from the Queen of England... tea and sandwiches at the ready, or one can expect to have their head chopped off. My family and I ran about the house in a flurry, tidying, cleaning, cooking, preparing, etc. In so many ways I should have seem what was to come, the cliche when the boyfriend meets the grandma for the first time. We've all watched geeky American sitcoms, we've all sat through that questionable episode of Friends in which we simply 'cringe'. On some levels, I blame myself.

I bowed and hugged my grandmother as she entered the door, baring some delicious kosher goodies. I pointed at boyfriend to indicate this was the person we had had a number of conversations about. We discussed how he was a 'good Jewish boy' and we kept a good 2 metres from each other most of the time. Most of the time. The scene was set. It was like watching a bomb go off. Powerless to stop the events, yet this awkward social situation was far too strong for a girl like me to stop, what was to come was in the hands of the universe. They both swung left. They both went right. They kissed on the lips. I think a part of me died today.

Deleting contacts on my mother's phone. De-flowering the daughter. Hated by the cat... and now the grandma? I've crawled into a hole, and am sufficiently dying. When the next apocalypse occurs, maybe this time I'll be better prepared. What a frightening Halloween.