Long time no blog post. The truth is nothing particularly interesting has happened to me, the world's karma seemed to be pretty balanced and all was good with life. That is, of course, until the most offensive piece of literature conceivable was published, and I became so outraged I feel it is now time to tell you why a book about vampire sex (without the vampires) has taken over civilisation. There are, to say the least, a few small issues I have with this 'novel' that needs to be voiced. It took me a while to write this blog because it wasn't until I was visited by the ghost of Dickens weeping for the future of literature that I probably thought it best to take a stand.
Let's start with one of my favourite lines shall we...
"My inner goddess is doing the meringue with some salsa moves"
The female protagonist is obsessed with her subconscious and her 'inner goddess'; for the first half of the book I was convinced she had a mild form of split personality disorder. She constantly argues with herself in a manner that must be deemed clinically insane. She refers to her 'inner goddess' 57 times throughout the novel... 57 times... 57 times... 57 FUCKING TIMES.
"His lips are parted - he's waiting, coiled to strike. Desire - acute, liquid smouldering, combusts deep in my belly."
This sentence has all the literacy of a drunken Sesame Street character. In fact, if someone told me this book was written by Oscar the Grouch I wouldn't be surprised. It took me a few attempts to understand what was trying to be said here. Ana knows very little about human anatomy if she thinks a man ejaculates into a woman's belly! I also find her reference to his sperm as his 'desire' as creepy as that episode of Friends when Monica calls her virginity her 'flower'. She then goes on to say...
"My insides practically contort with potent, needy, liquid desire"
Jeez, steady on. Besides, is she talking about sperm or heroine? She lost her virginity five pages ago and she's already some sort of spermed-up crack whore.
"It was like having my own Christian-Gray flavoured pop-sickle"
Anastasia Steele, Gold Medal in Deep Throating.
I suppose most issues that I have with this novel aren't only to do with the collective monkeys using typewriters in Japan who wrote this book, or that it should have been published by Mills & Boons, or that it's Twilight Fan Fiction, or that using the book pages as tools of masturbation is more pleasurable than the content... The real problem I have with this novel is the manner in which it's totally okay for some random masochistic, misogynistic control freak to effectively stalk a pigtailed virgin sacrifice symbol and for no one to blink an eye!
The thick female protagonist doesn't even care that this guy she only meant once suddenly turns up at her work a day later, installs some sort of tracking device on her phone, and proceeds to adopt immediate jealousy in the face of all her male peers... *Stalker alert*. If I were the main character, Mr Grey would be facing a lengthy court hearing and a very strongly worded letter threatening legal restraint.
To be honest, I don't know which character is more mental: Edward or Bella? Christian or Anastasia? The best thing about this novel is Ana thinks she can change Christian's distant ways... yea right Hunny, and the Pope doesn't abuse little boys.
Anastasia, sweet catholic virgin might be fucking a heathen with two penis' because she has nothing to compare it to, and all of a sudden she thinks she deserves a one way ticket to the Playboy Mansion. If I can't achieve it in 19 years, she can't in 500 pages!
"Still a better love story than Twilight"? Congratulations, E.L. James, you've managed to write the only novel in the whole of history where this doesn't apply. This piece of shit has been selling faster than Harry Potter. At this rate the whole world will be filled with sadistic, sex-craved, illiterate morons using the same descriptive adjectives and verbs over and over and over and over and over again. No longer will the human genitalia be 'Vagina' and 'Penis', but a man's Desire will make love fuck a woman's Sex. Maybe this book will be found in centuries to come as some sort of new religion; "I'm Christian"... "Oh, the Gray sect?". Stand with me those who are literately competent/anyone who can read for I fear for the future of our kind. We must end this madness.... because you've all been very, very bad boys and girls ;). *Brings down the whip*.
@Copyright
Collaborative piece: Mya and Ruby Medina.
